such a simple yes

2009-02-12 | 1:13 a.m.

i had a dream that this boy was standing so close to me. just barely touching me.
and our eyes were on the ground. we didn't dare look eachother in the face.
for shame? for fear?
but i knew exactly who he was.
and he leaned over and my heart raged.
and he wispered in my ear "can i kiss you?"
without hesitance. without duress. i said a simple "yes."
so surprised was i by my lack of modesty. but not as surprised as i was for my lack of guilt.
i felt no nervousness. no second thoughts. it was such an effortless and lucid choice.
then our faces grazed by as our lips met with resounding chorus of nerves, but still not our eyes.

i woke up not remembering what i had dreamed. just a staggering need to get back to wherever i had been. i felt i had left something safe and peaceful. somewhere i finally belonged. and i longed to return.

but i knew i could not recreate whatever it was. and that even if i fell back asleep, the scenarios were out of my hand.

for hours i laid there. paralyzed. ignoring my hunger and thirst.

finally i got up and as i drove down the road, i remembered that dream. vivid. real.

and the heaviness of my heart expelled the breath from my breast. and it seeped dismally past my parted lips.
it was a sigh of defeat.
of resignation.

because its all my fault.
for destroying what i want
and wanting what i shouldn't
and could never
have.

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