implausibly charming

2009-09-04 | 5:44 p.m.

I suppose shit comes in waves.
My aunt's mother died suddenly at the age of 65. She was a regular attendant at holidays and birthdays.
she was found alone at home, curled in a ball on her bathroom floor. Stroke.
The funeral was wednesday and i went with my grandparents and mother...
filled with confusion and thoughts.
i sat there staring like a stone into the big texas hair in front of me.
my mima reached over and grabbed my hands in hers. squeezing it and rubbing my wrist. i know she thought about the youthfulness of my skin, me as a child, and her own funeral one day.
I throw myself into school and family.
Then my mother calls me today and says my grandmother (who i am close to and am named after) seems to be in the urgent stages of dying.
She's only about 68/69 but she never took care of herself as part of her life long lazy rebellion against whoever.
My great-grandmother, who is healthier than my gramma, is also in need of hospital attention.
My great aunt who lives with her is suffering from kidney failure or something like that...
In waves, in waves.
So i'm flying out to california first thing tomorrow morning. i'll stay till tuesday evening... missing two classes, my labour day weekend plans and the last of my hoarded cash and frequent flier miles.
Selfish, right?
It's just that this has been one of the hardest weeks in a long time... filled with sleepless nights, missed classes, drunk vomiting, and impending deaths.
Next week proves to be all that and more.

If I can just make my way to the beach for one sweet night
in some stage of drunkenness
burying my feet in the sand
then i will laugh and cry
about the absurdity of life
as i always have
watching the rising tide
loud as i care to be
yelling fragments of thought
into the wide ocean
and i'll pretend someone will appear
knowing exactly how i feel
and we will suddenly care so deeply
for each other
remembering that night
till we also die.

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