vie

2010-04-12 | 12:33 p.m.

i'm terrified to die.
it keeps me up at night.
it makes everything feel like a dream.
i cannot tell whats real or fake.
caught between-
hidden meaning and meaninglessness.
i don't know if the world is
CELLS and ATOMS and predetermined science
or
is it all that everyone cries about?
cosmos swirling majesticly
universal wispers and fate
karma and god and love
magic?
i've seen my blood
and i know if i close my eyes and its all gone-
i will be no more. not. none.
i will not contemplate in the darkness becuase there will be none. no sleep, no wakeful dreaming. no touching, no breathing, no smell or sight. no concept of perception.
nothing.
all my conciousness... the world. the sky, people, water, music, literature, history, tradegy, comedy, irony... would cease as far as i know-
since i understand them - and everything- only within my own reasoning.
so if i die, the world as i know it- existence- is ended.
i need to pull me away from myself.
but i have to no place to go or be- nothing that holds meaning to me.
those i love,
i am unsure of.
i only have years, weeks, moments to BE.
its making me choke
its making me die.

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