always, she is dying

2009-08-14 | 5:33 p.m.

i'm laughing till i cry with my friends
then i'm old and i am looking for something i can't find
then i can't remember what it is
suddenly i find it-
a game. i want to play it
but the older kids won't let me
i'm so small, i want to be bigger
now i am smaller. i'm trying to find my home
but i find the nurse's office
and my temperature is 102
which is high for a 3rd grader so i'm younger again
in a field, eating clovers until
someone kicks the soccer ball my way
then i am walking towards it
down an aisle
there are people all around and a child in the body of a man waits at an alter and my knees are giving out
i'm shaking. i'm terrified.
it's a funeral and my parents are dead
i feel lost and i feel people looking at my own gray hairs
but i can't do a thing.
because i am a child praying to god
i'm drunk on the floor and i'm cursing god
i'm taking vitamins, i'm not sure i believe in god
suddenly i don't even care
i'm just a young girl
reaching for womanhood on my back
legs open, a young man is in me
moving. and its making me bleed
and the blood fills up the viles
and the nurses are indifferent amiss apathetic machines
but i don't care because then i'm in love
how wonderful! how awful... i shouldn't be
but he's beautiful and i'm still young. i think...
til he dies and then i will die soon anyways

but i'm 25 and i know now
that there is no "now"
or "then"
they all are.
I am.
i am losing my virginity while i'm sleeping in a crib
i'm redeemed by the christ while i'm fucking in sin

i am waiting to grow up
while i am waiting to die

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