the fall

2009-11-12 | 3:39 a.m.

i am so foolish.
ridiculous.
i am always
waiting too long
always
too late
failing
the first time
every time.
i am.
and my grandmother
is dead.

i had planned a speech to give her
an interview
a series of secrets
of questions
i had been waiting
to ask her.
i had my tickets on hold.
i made her a cartoon.
there is no
one
i can talk to
but her
and i had waited
and waited.

i am terrified
and alone.

her life was spent waiting
and i,
i feel a gravitational pull
toward this blackhole.

gramma don't leave me i need you so bad and you know they don't listen cos you told me so yourself you said only i listened only i understand gramma i need you to listen cos i'm sorry i am so sorry i should have come to you again i am so selfish and sorry i should have called more and read to you and made you laugh more i know you want me to be what you couldn't but i need you to tell me so please don't leave me with them it was us and them now its just me dont go i cant do this i'm dying inside gramma give me some of your fire dont go dont go im sorry i am so fucking sorry i don't want to do this i am shit and refuse just shit and refuse i wanted to you that i'm alone and in love and scared but i love you so much i am so so sorry
don't leave me
don't go
i cant don't this without you

i am alone
in the desert
i am falling
through cracks

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